Things I wanted to say to people who have hurt me, but I probably won't share it to them

tw// trauma, mentions of self-harm, therapy

During a recent session with my therapist, one of the things that I learned about trauma survivors is that they seek closure from people, events, and circumstances that have hurt and traumatized me. Closure, as defined, is the final resolution to a conflict or a problem.

In the past couple of years, there were several people and incidents that have traumatized and prevented me from being better. While Jow, my sibling Miggy, and a couple of friends have advised me to actively seek against it, I still tried to find closure from some of the people who have traumatized me through the years, which was inspired by how former bullies have reached out to me. Meaning, I’ve been making an effort to reach out and seek closure from these people. I will also share things that I’ve regret saying to the people that I’ve hurt in the past:

Here are some things that I wanted to say to those people:

1. Hi. I hope you're healthy and safe during these times.
   
   I know you haven't heard from me ever since I left my job almost six years ago. First of all, I'm really sorry if I wasn't an efficient or a helpful teammate at all, and that I've caused a lot of mental stress on you during my time there. I truly apologize for what happened between us as colleagues. Even though I know that your way of correcting me was meant for me to push me to succeed and do well because the ad industry is ruthless and cruel, I'm pretty sure you intended to do that because you wanted me to toughen up and to take the insults as constructive as possible.
   
   However, I'm not going to deny that the way you treated me at work gave me so much trauma and crippling anxiety. I remember crying almost every day going to work because of how you treated me six years ago. If I recall correctly, you once told me to give up writing, which was completely hurtful and invalidating. You also called me manipulative and a bad person. Your treatment of me has profoundly traumatized me, to the point where I felt that my self-esteem and identity was pulverized and have contemplated doing lots of self-harm.
   
   To this day, I still feel the trauma that came with how you treated me. Even though I'm actually in a better place professionally, I was actually diagnosed with major depressive disorder earlier this year. Learning about my depression and my ADHD has unraveled a lot of things about myself, and a part of that unraveling is sharing the unpleasant feelings that I have repressed from the bullying that I experienced from the people that have hurt me.
   
   I'm sorry if I made this about myself a lot. It's okay if you don't reply immediately or at all. I just wish that you’re kinder now to the people that you work with. Congrats on your MBA, by the way.
   

2. I remember you blaming me for our loss during a school activity back in third year high school. I also remember you repeatedly backstabbing me in class, pointing out how ugly I was, laughing at how I mispronounced words, and making me feel that I have to get various enhancements so I can be more socially acceptable. To be honest, it did profoundly affect my self-esteem.
   
   I’m sorry that you’re going through a life-threatening illness. I cannot imagine how tough it must’ve been for you. Wishing you lots of healing and I hope you’re safe and healthy.

3. I know that you don’t personally know me, but I just wanted to let you know that an incident from 12 years ago that irked you and your batchmates compelled me to give up writing for several years. I hope you succeeded in that. By the way, they were Pinoy gay lingo (which is now acceptable). I don’t get why you had to rope in your batchmates and friends to hate on me. Damay isa, dapat damay lahat? Ang toxic ‘nun. By the way, I’ve been writing again since late 2013. And you can’t stop me anymore.

4. I treated you as a friend, and yet you won’t accept my generosity and kindness. I hope people are still kind to you.

5. They said, “never meet your idols, because you will be set up for disappointment.” They were right. Sure, I looked up to you, but having you as a “writing mentor” in high school felt discouraging. I hope you have the wisdom and patience to encourage and teach people to express themselves.

6. I’m sorry if I felt insecure and inferior towards you, and felt that I had to compete with you so that you can validate and reassure me.You’re amazing and hardworking, and you have inspired me to take a lot of discipline and direction in my life, and I’m grateful for that. However, it hurt me when you didn’t reassure me or encourage me to take on writing years ago, but I realized that the greatest form of reassurance comes from myself. I’m still working on it though.

7. I’m sorry that you’re still letting your traumas dictate your very existence. Yes, they have hurt you profoundly, to the point that you feel that your existence is a burden almost every day. Or that you don’t deserve to exist at all, because people have made you feel and think that you don’t deserve to exist and thrive. You deserve to. Living doesn’t have to feel conditional, in a sense where you have to always ask permission from other people if you can do what pleases you. You don’t have to always take on the emotional burden when things aren’t your fault or your doing. I know it hurts, and it’s okay. Healing takes time. But you’re getting there. There will be days where it’s harder than the others, so be gentle. You’re expressing your thoughts, boundaries, and needs better. Living with ADHD is fucking hard, and rejection sensitivity dysphoria exacerbates that. But you’re doing your best in spite of the circumstances stacked against you. You’re doing what you feel like you’re meant to do, you’re actually pretty hot (not delusional), and you’re smart.