One of the things that I want to learn in life is to be able to settle at something. I’ve been moving from job to job, one interest to the other, and one productivity app to the next. I’m turning 29 this year, and my friend C told me that my key lesson this year for my Saturn return is to learn how to settle and to reassess my priorities in life.
I’ve always felt that I couldn’t settle into who I am. Maybe it’s because I’ve experienced criticism about my own existence, which ingrained this thought that I’m not good enough for any place, or anyone in my life. “You’re too weird,” “you try too hard to fit in,” etc. Because of these pieces of feedback, I neglected my own needs to an extreme. I felt that I needed to be a convenience instead of a burden, which is a feeling that I still deal to this day.
Apart from neglecting my own needs, not being able to know who I am did not give me opportunities to trust in myself and in my own capabilities. At work, where I am expected to bring in my expertise and experience, I couldn’t bring those things to the table, because I couldn’t trust myself. I couldn’t trust what my brain could do, because how I did things, how I thought of things were consistently invalidated. I’ve internalized it so badly that I couldn’t move forward and see what I can do.
But enough moping. I want to be able to come to a place where I can comfortably be myself, and acknowledge that my “broken brain” is not broken. It’s wired differently, and I can succeed with it.