Hello there!
I’m currently on a 10-day “company-recommended” work break, where majority of us at our company have little to no workload for the holiday season. This is my second year experiencing this annual work break of sorts, but this is the first time that I have fully embraced it. So far, I have spent a good amount of the break catching up on sleep, chores, random mall hangouts, and taking care of Berry. In addition, I have also been feeling introspective about the year that’s about to end. I’ve been reflecting on my experiences, relationships, changes, and the goals that I’ve set for myself.
In terms of changes, I think that I’ve grown and changed in different directions this year. Ever since I started going to therapy for my ADHD and depression, my approach towards life has gradually changed over the course of the year. I think this was the time where I’ve accepted that I live with these mental health conditions more wholeheartedly. Rather than following self-optimization and self-improvement techniques that are rooted in capitalism, ableism, and oppression as an attempt to seek acceptance from the “cool kids” who bullied and treated me like trash, I am learning how to improve and accept myself in the way that feels best for me. For years, following those techniques and practices and then coming up short has made me frustrated and very harsh with myself. At that time, I didn’t know any better, so I just shadowed the “best practices” of the people around me in terms of personal and relational growth, without acknowledging my feelings and needs. This change in approach is currently affecting different aspects of my life: my work, my relationships, my routines, and my well-being.
In terms of work, I have learned to unplug from work when needed. During my first evaluation in June, my now-former supervisor pointed out that I needed to improve on my work-life balance and overall efficiency. At my previous workplaces, there was an emphasis on hustle culture and overwork, where you’re compelled to work yourself to work to the bone to prove how worthy you are, as a way of developing a “strong work ethic,” or whatever that means. Pre-pandemic, I used to work until almost midnight to complete lengthy reports or accomplish legwork that my supervisor asked me to do as part of accomplishing their reports. I had to keep up and mimic what my supervisor or follow what upper management has ordered me to do to gain their good graces, even if it meant compromising my health and safety.
At my current company, we have an output-based system that’s built on trust, collaboration, and encouragement. While there are days and weeks where the workload can feel overwhelming, it’s still important to unplug and find balance. I see my colleagues and teammates actively finding time for their hobbies, relationships, well-being, and fun, and it inspires me to do the same too. If I’m having a bad mental health day, I don’t hesitate that much to take breaks anymore. If my workload is light, I use all the free time that I have to unplug from actual work by taking on chores or attempting to rest. Since then, I’ve shaped my routines around my work schedule, and I’ve learned to adjust it according to my needs and overall well-being. I have come to embrace my life as a night shower and late riser type of person, and that my routines do not have to be as rigid as what “those girls” espouse on social media.
On the topic of relationships, I have taken the initiative to explain and work through the challenges that come with living with depression and ADHD to my friendships and my relations with family. A massive challenge that I have with ADHD is not being able to “read the room.” When I was in high school, I had significant gaps in my friendships. Those gaps looked like having surface-level conversations and bonding experiences, as well as the inability to be honest and vulnerable because of this nagging fear of rejection and being perceived as inferior or an embarrassment to society. When you’re a teenage girl that’s in a competitive and potentially traumatizing environment and trying to find your place in the world, there’s no breathing room in addressing the social and personal challenges in dealing with these mental health issues. Because of the pressures and the challenges of high school, I learned to mask my ADHD, and framed these psychosocial challenges as moral failures. I got bullied for my inability to socialize, and was repeatedly left out in social situations because of the former. As a result, I have engaged in people-pleasing and codependent behaviors where I’ve constantly yearned for external validation.
Now that I’m more aware and proactive about living with my ADHD, I have initiated difficult conversations with friends and family surrounding my experiences with bullying and rejection. I have come to acknowledge that a big chunk of my ADHD experience is the rejection sensitivity dysphoria, where real (and perceived) rejections feel very painful to me, to the point that it has prevented me from being proactive in growing myself, as well as advocating for myself when people are still blind and ignorant about my own mental health struggles. A couple of days after my birthday, a rejection that involved a community that was dear to me triggered a lot of negative thoughts and feelings towards my relationships with people that I hold close, as well as my own relationship with myself. For a couple of days, I felt that I didn’t deserve to receive the same kind of love that I give to others, and that I am unlovable. It was a dark and painful time, and writing about it still elicits feelings of sadness and self-loathing.
Part of that growth is being able to stomach these uncomfortable, yet deep and profound conversations with people, and learning things from them. I have also started speaking up on the trauma that I’ve experienced from former bullies as a way to seek closure and healing for myself. So far, the responses and the feelings that came with each attempt have been varied, but what matters to me is that I was able to articulate all these repressed thoughts and feelings from the past. I was hurt, and when you’re hurt and silenced, you need to find the time and space to address that pain. Sometimes, I think the reasons that they’ve hurt me may be their way of acting out their insecurities and own struggles, as well as holding beliefs from the past that were deemed normal at that time, but are now harmful.
Overall, I would like to think that this year has been a big lesson on compassion, understanding, acceptance, and challenging long-held thoughts and beliefs. Some of the experiences that I had this year have been painful and traumatizing, but it taught me to validate my feelings and experiences, while holding compassion for myself. Compassion for myself looks and feels like this: I don’t have to put myself into overdrive and to prove my worth as a way to heal from those rejections and traumas. I am enough, and it’s okay to slow down.
Anyway, I hope that the year ahead is kinder to you. You are loved, and you deserve to take up space in this world. I love you.