It’s been two months since I left my last job. Since then, I’ve been devoting my time on a bunch of freelance projects and looking for full-time jobs. I’ve also been working on my work-life balance and my sense of time and direction.
During my job hunt, I applied as a writer for a government agency. Needless to say, it wasn’t a very pleasant experience. It made me realize that government work doesn’t feel authentic to me, in spite of its high retirement payouts and perceived accommodations.
Although my younger self would still push through with this application out of fear, current me has already put her foot down and opted to withdraw. I’m proud of myself for doing that.
When I withdrew my application, I made it clear to myself that I know I’m not going to thrive there, because the environment will not allow me to live out my values and strengths. Although I like working for things with a greater purpose, the environment fostered by a lot of these institutions may not be conducive for me. Not to mention, the sociopolitical climate now in the Philippines is quite repulsive.
After that, I proceeded to apply for writer positions at various places: publications, tech companies, and ad agencies. Unlike before, I used to cry and put myself in self-loathing mode whenever I get rejected, but now, I just accept it as part of the process.
Fortunately, my last four interviews have been pleasant, and my prospects there are looking up.
Speaking of autonomy and boundaries, I stumbled upon this post by @jesdiverges on upholding your own boundaries, and how it helps you become more autonomous:
This section from this post resonated with me deeply, especially as my struggles with autonomy became more visible over the past year. I got fired because I struggled to exercise autonomy and expertise! I've shared this in the past, but my dad has described me as "supervision-intensive" and needed reminding for almost anything. My childhood and early teenage years were marked by significant incidents in school (and at home) where I was corrected and put down by nearly everyone. This situation is an application of how people with ADHD receive an additional 20,000 corrective or negative messages early in life. As a result, I have turned into a needy, boundary-less, approval-seeking, and distrustful person without a strong sense of autonomy. Maybe that's why I have a lot of demand avoidance issues. It's hard for me to follow or comply with other people's advice or sanctions—no matter how well-intentioned they claim it to be. People have punished me, criticized me, or low-key oppressed me under the excuse of "I'm doing this because I want you to succeed and thrive in a cruel environment" in the past. While the intention was there, the impact of those experiences was very unpleasant to me. I couldn't trust myself to make decisions or give myself grace when making mistakes or facing setbacks. Often, I have to mask and "copy" what others are into so that I have to fit in and come across as agreeable.
That experience with my job application at the government agency has become one of those moments where I owned my voice and trusted myself. It was also an instance where I became more in tune with who I am since I can express my likes and dislikes.
Another instance where I can express my autonomy is through my freelance projects. I get to manage my time and capacity for projects while also being able to have time for the fun stuff, like Succession Mondays. In expressing my views and opinions, I’m allowing myself not to hold back anymore.
I hope I can continue to be better at this. This is progress!
Until the next brain dump,
Lea