Proof of Life (June and July)
Life updates that no one really asked
CW: depression
Hello from this corner of the internet! I finally found the time and the energy to update my newsletter, after taking some time off from this space. Anyway, enjoy this little ramble.
In Treatment? In Repair?
To be honest, I’ve been struggling with a lot of things while existing in this panini. Back in June, I learned that I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder on top of my ADHD. Even though I was accepting of the diagnosis, a huge part of me was fearful about it. I was afraid of so many things— people leaving and rejecting me, not being able to attend my basic needs, not being able to achieve my goals, and losing the skills and knowledge that I have cultivated for years—just because I have depression and ADHD.
Seeking treatment was the easier part of accepting this diagnosis; I’m beyond grateful and privileged to have the means for treatment and a support system that reassures me that I’m not alone in this struggle. What’s more difficult is applying the takeaways from therapy and coping with the physical, mental, and emotional changes that come with taking medication.
I recently touched base with my psychiatrist, and we talked about my recent experiences while I’m on Brintellix. Even though I can see some improvements in my mental health, I’m not going to deny that I’m in that period of my depression where I feel like everything’s falling apart. The past month feels like I’m living through my fears surrounding my own diagnosis; I struggle with sleep and getting out of bed, I couldn’t fix my surroundings, and I couldn’t stick to routines. Ever since learning about my diagnosis, my dad has repeatedly told me to have the discipline to develop a routine to help me get better. Prior to this, colleagues have also advised me to devise a routine, as a way to cope with our current setup in the workplace. Because of this, I sometimes feel like I have no life, as if I’m regressing to the Lea from grade school— friendless, careless, and incapable of doing awesome things.
I’m not gonna lie, it frustrates me that I still think of myself in that lens. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid. I’m afraid and fed up of being belittled and sabotaged by the world around me. Think of Donald Duck’s backstory in the Ducktales reboot.
But I have to honor all the progress that I’ve made over the years. I’m doing a job that I love (and performing surprisingly well at it), I’m learning new life skills, I have a support system, and I’m slowly advocating for myself in the spaces that I occupy. That’s more than okay, especially during these times.
I found this excellent article on Rookie about how to structure one’s days when they’re depressed. For obvious reasons, I need to read it again and again to remind myself of the following things:
A structured life is not present from the get-go, nor is it fully functional from the beginning. Structuring your life is a muscle that needs to be trained every day.
Start by charting out the things you enjoy doing, and make time for it every day. In my case, the tasks that I enjoy the most are making my bed, doing some morning stretches, taking a shower, and doing my skincare and makeup. They provide structure and flair to my day, especially whenever I feel down.
In line with this, follow the Might As Well principle — if you feel good after accomplishing one thing, might as well proceed to the next task and do it. “Might As Well is the queen of forces: Never underestimate its power, for it is singular in its capacity to motivate while maintaining the lowest of low-key profiles—you get stuff done practically without noticing.”Break down all the tasks you need to do into small chunks.
Exercise trust and kindness with yourself. It’s something I’m working on every day, with the help of medication and therapy.
Routines are guides, and not the end-all be-all of character development.
I may have rambled on too much about my experiences with depression and ADHD, but basically, I’m doing my best to cope and manage this condition to the best of my abilities. Anyway, here are other life updates:
I got vaccinated!
I initially thought that I would be vaccinated by the end of 2021, but my recent diagnosis with MDD has made me eligible to take the COVID-19 vaccine earlier. I signed up for our local government’s vaccination program and got the Sinovac vaccine. I honestly wanted to get something from Pfizer or Moderna, but I guess it’s better to have the vaccine that’s available to you rather than going out and about unvaccinated at all.
(a photo of me after receiving my second dose)
My dog Kitty recently passed away, and it has been pretty sad for us here at home.
Kitty was such a gem to all of us, and she was someone that you would definitely consider as an emotional support animal. She was always smiling, and loved being in the company of people. She liked getting cuddles and liked to roam around the village. Despite her warm nature, she hated baths and would grumble whenever I would carry her whenever she would escape from our home. Kitty died of pyometra at the tender age of four, after she collapsed two weeks ago. Before that, she was struggling to finish her food and didn’t have the energy to go up her stool.
Anyway, I hope she enjoys all the cuddles and treats in heaven. I miss her a lot.
I started reading again! I’m also consuming more culture actively.
At the moment, I’m currently reading Crying In H Mart and Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982.
Speaking of cultural consumption, my best friend Jow and I have been watching Going Seventeen regularly— we’ve been best friends for almost 2 decades already, and it’s only in recent years where we started doing more friendship rituals together, such as this one.
I hope all of you are safe and well in these times. And no to face shields. They’re dumb and cumbersome.
Until the next brain dump,
Lea