TW: mentions of abuse, bullying
Last night, I stumbled upon this post by @alicesparklykat on my Instagram feed. This post aimed to explain how criticism can be used to protect yourself or someone you love or value. Critical and judgmental people often worry about you or project their own worries onto others.
Speaking of criticism, I have a complicated relationship with it. With nods to my experience as a neurodivergent woman, getting criticized frequently for a broad spectrum of reasons can feel intense, painful, and bothersome. As I mentioned in a previous post, neurodivergent people get criticized 20,000 times more than their neurotypical counterparts before they reach the age of ten. When caregivers or authority figures often explain why they criticize me, it is usually out of concern for my well-being and safety, especially in various contexts. However, the intention rarely matches the action.
I have a few instances in mind. The first one was in preschool, and it was one of the most traumatic things that I've gone through.
I spent my preschool years at this Catholic school with a highly punitive and mean culture. When I would get in trouble due to my ADHD-related behavioral problems, the interventions that were done to me were harsh and disempowering. There was the nun I would talk to every morning who would physically hit me and tell me that I was terrible and undeserving of grace. Next were the guidance counselors, who would hover around me and observe every move I made in class. These interventions were initially intended to help me behave better and improve my overall functioning as a student and human being. I'm pretty sure my class adviser and guidance counselors at that time were worried about my development as a child and wanted me to behave like the students they held on a pedestal for good conduct and academic achievements.
Instead, these experiences greatly impacted my self-esteem and sense of autonomy. They looked at my neurodivergence as a fatal character flaw, leading me to believe I needed to compensate. This still happens. When I transferred schools, my ADHD-related behavior and socialization issues persisted. I struggled to fit in with my peers and didn't have a core group of friends. My social struggles led me to believe that having good grades and mimicking "good behaviors" would make me feel accepted by others.
The same cycle happened again. The criticisms I got were apparently for "my own good," but it always ended up being the opposite. My class adviser from Grade 4 once criticized me for littering (which was valid). She punished me by making me clean the whole classroom, which resulted in me being left behind by the school bus. Since then, I have seen chores and cleaning as a punishment rather than a form of self-care because of that experience. I'm trying to break that by looking at cleaning from a self-care lens, and I'm grateful for self-care apps and tools that make cleaning a little more bearable.
Another instance would be an incident involving me and some classmates during my first year of high school. I had issues related to hygiene, and that classmate gave me a deodorant spray to help combat my body odor. Another group in my first-year class also criticized my skin and hair. Back then, they intended to help me look and feel good, but what they did was insulting and mean. No one deserves to feel uncomfortable about their looks and personal hygiene needs. Looking back at this experience, I'm glad my interest in beauty and self-care makes me feel good during shitty days. I no longer feel pressured to change my hair or my features according to how others see fit. I've learned to love my wavy, graying hair, care for my acne-prone skin, and define beauty on my own terms now.
One unforgettable piece of criticism that I received as a newbie writer was that my writing was "raw and contrived" from this editor-slash-writer that I looked up to. When I first received it, I was devastated and spiteful. I wanted to prove them wrong. That piece of criticism was actually valid and worth listening to. That editor was looking out for me and wanted me to gain more experience as a writer. He thought I needed to develop my voice to become more exciting and authentic. He was right. I needed to grow into my voice and accept what makes me unique through my writing. It's a work in progress. It makes me low-key proud of myself that my writing has grown. When I look at my posts from my old blog and compare them to my posts here, I am a lot looser and unfiltered. My writing now is much less awkward, and I am much more carefree in choosing the topics I want to write about. Getting here definitely came with age and experience.
Looking back at the criticisms I've mentioned here, it's clear that many of them were originally intended to help me. After all, they probably come from a place of care and concern (at least from their perspective). However, I realized that many of the criticisms I got growing up brought me more harm and suffering than actual personal growth. As a result, I channeled their fears and worries more than my own. While I'm glad that I didn't become a product of my critics' worst fears, I will continue striving for a life more in tune with my values and needs. I intend to keep it that way.
Here's to living more for ourselves and less for our critics,
Lea
P.S.: This song by Le Sserafim felt right as I wrote this entry.