tw: suicidal ideation, road accidents, mental health
I had a near-death experience recently while walking on the way home from a day of working outside. While crossing the street between the BDO branch and the KFC at Doña Soledad Avenue, I made the terrible mistake of looking at my phone. A pearly silver Volkswagen Santana bumped into me, bumping the right side of my body.
Luckily, my body is fine. Apart from the slight pain from the incident, I was unscathed. I was still able to walk from that KFC branch, up until the tricycle station near Annex 35.
I’m physically fine, but a flurry of emotions and thoughts came to me after that. First, it made me realize how grateful I am to be alive. There are times where I feel like my existence is a burden due to my mental illnesses. In the past, there have been incidents where I was told and made to feel that I’ve committed the crime of existence. Because of these traumatic experiences, I felt that I didn’t deserve all the good things that came into my life. I felt like I needed to overcompensate in order to be perceived as worthy or valuable in the eyes of others. I had to make work and my achievements a personality trait in order to feel accepted. This experience was /that/ sign where it finally made sense to me that I didn’t need to make work or my achievements define my self-worth, and that I deserve to take up space in this world regardless of where I’m at in life. I’m taking this as a sign to be open to all forms of grace. With that said, I think it’s a traumatizing thing to tell your peers to go d*e or that their existence is a crime, just because they’re annoying or different from you.
Second, this experience was a reminder to be present and connected to my body and surroundings. I will admit that I am a very clumsy person, and that I struggle with body awareness. I was that kid who would trip every year in school, and who struggled with the choreography during P.E. classes. When I was twenty-two, I fell down from a jeepney and had massive gashes on my right leg. I had to take myself to the emergency room at a hospital that almost looked like the middle of nowhere. Two years after that, I had a knee injury that required me to use an immobilizer for almost 2 months.
I have a very active mind, and connecting to my body can feel like an overwhelming experience, because rest and exercise almost feel intangible for me. In connection to my first point, my need to overcompensate has led me to think that I didn’t deserve to rest or take a step back whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed by tasks or challenges because I have to push myself harder. Before, I would stay in the office until 2 am to complete tasks because I will be guilt-tripped and scolded intensely by my superiors or peers if I didn’t. I had to go to work even if I’m sick, because no one will do my work. Part of those overcompensating behaviors include a dependence on my smartphone, which can be a massive distraction for situations like this. I remember being called out for not being responsive over Viber during work hours, which has compelled me to be on my phone a lot— especially if there are things that needed to be flagged.
This is another reminder to take care of my body more, especially in the fields of exercise and resting. I need to be more proactive in seeking rest, and I also need to be more resourceful with exercising.
Anyway, I’m just grateful to be here in one piece. I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, but I will make sure that I’m not gonna take my life for granted anymore.
Until the next brain dump,
Lea