Less room for self-repression and gatekeeping

A promise I'm making for myself

Hello there! It’s been a while since I came on here.

Even though I write for a living, it still bugs me that I almost always forget how to write. Or that I get self-conscious about expressing myself, no thanks to my past experiences of being invalidated and bullied.

This year, I plan on expressing myself more clearly and authentically. Part of that process is being honest about my mistakes to myself and the people I value. I also promise to cultivate relationships with people who appreciate me for who I am, instead of making me feel like an embarrassment or a criminal for merely existing.

I know I’m not perfect. I will make mistakes and horrible decisions in life, but that doesn’t mean that my existence is invalid. In the past two years, I’ve come to learn that pursuing for perfection is fruitless.

I recently had a moment where I brought out some of the worst parts of myself— I compared a bunch of fans from a certain fandom to a group of problematic political supporters on Twitter, which generated backlash. I was rash, and spoke from a place of bitterness, displeasure, and disillusionment. I was unfair to the fans who work hard to embody the virtues and causes of the fandom that they represent, just because I saw former bullies from school get into that fandom. I was like, “Hey, those people shouldn’t be here, since the fandom that they’re entering is against it! Also, seeing them like similar things to me felt like a threat to my safety and comfort, because those people have repeatedly invalidated and questioned my interests. These very people have also called me “too weird” too! Who are they to like such things?”

But then again, it’s almost always lost on me that people are capable of change and growth. We’re allowed to like whatever we want to like and exist in the way that’s honest to ourselves, just as long as we’re not harming others. Maybe those former bullies found comfort in these hobbies in the way that I found comfort in pop culture, memes, pet parenthood, beauty reviews, or whatever hobby that I’m into. After all, we’re now at that stage in life where being exclusionary, disrespectful, or judgmental about our interests is highly discouraged. Yet here I am sowing skepticism, snark, and doubt, just because they were judgmental and invalidating about my own interests in the past. The least that I could’ve done was to be encouraging and open-minded in their interests. I could’ve expended my energy to show love and kindness to myself (and others). It was a huge misstep on my part, because I ended up passing the same kind of hurt onto others when those people cast me out, judged and invalidated my interests and passions, and made me feel like my existence was a crime in the past.

That recent incident was a reminder for me to be kinder and more empathetic. Leni Robredo (one of the presidential candidates in this year’s elections) anchored her campaign on radical love, which meant that one should be gentle, understanding, patient, and kind — especially to those who have wronged us. However, it’s easier said than done, especially when you’re so used to being invalidated, wronged, and misunderstood. The urge to fight back is real all the time, especially when the person who has wronged you gets a free pass to be wrong, just because they’re charming, privileged, or whatever, while you have to overcompensate for your existence just because people invalidate your individuality.

Anyway, I will work on being better.