CW: contains mentions of parental issues, PCOS, fertility issues, body dysmorphia
I had a difficult day today. I attended my initial consultation session for therapy and it turned out to be an eye-opening and emotional one at that. As a result, I have to pursue the most intensive form of counseling that the therapy center offers. I’m actually excited for it, to be honest, since it feels like I’m reclaiming my power and I’m empowering myself. However, the effect of that session on me opened up a lot of thoughts and feelings about myself and my relationships with the people around me.
Speaking of relationships, I had this conversation with my father about my worries with PCOS. I wanted to see my OB-GYN for an update, but with everything that’s happening surrounding COVID here, it’s impossible. Since being diagnosed, my anxiety towards my health and well-being has heightened. His advice went along the lines of, “Oh, you should minimize your crappy eating habits, sleep for longer, manage your stress, and you should exercise more.” Okay. I will do it moving forward. But it sucks when you’re constantly plagued by stress and have no proper mechanisms to manage the latter. Not to mention, I have body image issues, and him constantly pointing out that I’m fat and overweight feels like I’m being shamed for my body and looks.
That conversation with my dad over dinner eventually became a difficult one, where we talked about my issues with him. I mentioned how he doesn’t have the capacity for empathy and towards his children, and how he has low EQ, in spite of his academic and professional achievements. I mentioned how his comments about my body and my weight have incited terrible feelings in me. He also had this perennial habit of shooting down my life choices and ideas— to the extent that I’m discouraged to pursue whatever I want in life just because it felt like an inconvenience. Growing up in a single-parent household, convenience and security were the main priorities in my family. Anything that was left of field was discouraged. My dad didn’t have a lot growing up, and he sacrificed so much to get to where we are now. While I do appreciate the sacrifices that he’s made to give us a comfortable life, it’s only in recent years that I felt that most of my emotional and internal needs were not met properly. In my dad’s side of the family, I felt the pressure to achieve and succeed like him, because I have all these privileges that I can access. It’s as if I needed to prove myself all the time just so I can feel accepted and seen by others, which can be exhausting and fruitless.
Looking back at it now, the constant need to prove myself has magnified my insecurities, instead of addressing them in a healthy way. It has also added layers of anxiety into my own relationships. I just want my friends or my family to make me feel like they aren’t ashamed to have me as their friend, or that they accept and value me, with or without any achievements.
Anyway, I’m looking forward to starting therapy soon. I also need to learn how to take care of myself better by taking naps and resting more (along with other health-based practices). Also, my other laptop broke down, so I guess I have to stop overworking my things.
Take care,
Lea
Hugs, Lea! Proud of you for making that difficult conversation with your dad. Also, happy for you for seeking help through therapy. It's not going to be easy, but I hope you have fruitful sessions with your therapist.