2023, A Review

from horror to slice-of-life

If there’s one quote that encapsulated my 2023, it’s this: “The horrors persist, but so do I.” 

In this case, the word “horrors” meant two things for me: one, the systemic and relational horrors that many people face every single day, and two, the word “horrors” was a label that was ascribed to me growing up. I was seen as a handful, a burden, and a freak by the people around me. 

All my life, all I wanted was to be seen as reliable, hardworking, kind, and responsible–-someone that people can be proud of. Outside of my immediate family and my relatives, I’ve had this nagging feeling that my friends, mentors, and teachers aren’t proud of me, or do not appreciate my existence. Not to mention, I’ve spent a good chunk of my childhood years being perceived as a freak or an embarrassment. I was constantly left out in group activities. One time, during a recollection in fifth grade, the nun who facilitated that activity got disappointed in my classmates for excluding me. It was one of those few moments in my life where I saw how kindness was extended to me, in spite of my neurodivergence. 

In high school, I saw how my classmates excluded and bullied me for my awkwardness and my looks. My now-friends once saw me as an embarrassment and tolerated my existence. I had teachers who became bystanders and enablers of the bullying that I went through. 

Because of the trauma that I went through, I’ve spent a good chunk of my life developing my grit, passion, and persistence for things. If only I worked harder and became more pushy, maybe people will appreciate my hard work. People will appreciate me more if I tried harder and persisted further. 

The persistence became more evident this year. At the start of the year, my former team lead at my previous job put me on a PIP for “not being able to exercise autonomy and expertise,” and gave me action points that will take an entire lifetime to figure out. She also accused me of “being toxic” and “writing like ChatGPT.” I ended up getting fired from that workplace. It brought me back to a place where I felt small, yet seen as a burden to the people around me…just like how I was back in 2016. In short, the firing was my biggest horror for 2023, and it was something that held me back immensely.

To work through this setback, I changed my strategy. I didn’t tell my dad that I got fired from that job. My dad has always been concerned about my future, but his advice, no matter how well-intentioned they may be, would always feel foreign to me. I ended up going back to freelancing for a few months, and I only told him that I got a new job after my work laptop was delivered to my house.

During my short stint as a freelancer, I took on projects and jobs where I felt that I was in charge. It felt good that people trusted in my abilities, but these projects gave me the awareness to see that I wasn’t as much of a burden or a handful as people thought I was in the past. I had the autonomy and expertise that people wanted, it just needed to be channeled in the way that’s accommodating to my unique brain and needs.

After developing the autonomy and expertise “that I lacked,” I ended up going back to a full-time advertising job. The environment was different from the ones that I’ve been through. Although I still remain wary and guarded about the workplace, I’ve met kind, brilliant, and encouraging people at work, and I’m encouraged to take care of myself and have a life outside of work. I’m relearning how to write and ideate without overthinking or shooting myself in the foot. I hope I can develop the creative endurance and the confidence that I’ve been sorely lacking in my work and in myself.

Now that I’ve found my footing in my career, the next move now is to grow my skills and develop the creative endurance that I need to make it into the industry, while also fostering a lot of compassion for myself. Along the way, I’ve come to realize that being seen as a horror or a freak is a limiting belief that I’ve held on to like a lifeboat.

I’m beautiful, competent, charming, and kind. I’m not the piece of horror that people assumed me to be. I am worthy of love and community. I can make strides in my career, and I can exist beyond survival mode.

Sure there will be horrors, but there will always be bright spots. I will persist to see the light.

Anyway, I hope 2024 is kinder to you if you’ve had a shitty 2023. Let the New Year allow you to channel your main character energy.